--------- nov 18 2023

I met a girl, and we are becoming friends.

She is neurotic and interesting and intelligent; walks and talks with a sort of frenetic energy, like there’s a tightly wound elastic inside; seems both moody and self-possessed at once, and mature beyond her years. She’s tall and slim and athletic and moves quickly, has sharp elbows and long, defined hands that I’ve already developed a fixation for. She is the type of beautiful that feels dark and saturated, a little more in focus than the people around her, a bit heavy and cold like silver; the kind of aura that would be at home in a melancholy film. She types in perfect English with capitals, has a polished professional side. Her voice is solid, clear and smooth. I see the same swirling, possessing energy that drew me to several other significant people in my life. I see just how attractive it is to me and remember how empty it can make me feel afterwards, too. But despite the consequences it never stops having that pull.

I went to her house, pretending we would get work done. We ended up spending hours talking into the night again, stopping only to eat, but such small amounts as to be biologically necessary. I still felt that heavy air between us, the entire time. I felt how she leans towards me when she laughs. After a while, she read a book aloud to me and I mostly paid attention, but also just let the sound of her voice roll around smoothly in my head, watched the sharp angle of her wrist as she held the pages – felt that buzz in my stomach when I looked at the soft hairs on the side of her neck, the line where it meets her jaw – and imagined putting my mouth there.